When the Universe makes it so uncomfortable you have no choice but to let go.

Have you ever loved someone so much that you've lost sight of who you were? Has that person you loved with all your heart crushed you into a million pieces and leaving a wretch in your gut the size of the entire North America? There is a saying out there "actions speak louder than words." I use to think thats true, but nothing speaks louder than the words "I love you." Boy was I wrong. There is nothing quite like the words "I love you"; powerful and extraordinary but there are people who will take that power and use it to manipulate you so they can achieve their own twisted motives. The moment I came to realize that things aren't what they seem became an extremely traumatic experience. Unfortunately, in 2017 this became my worst nightmare and without exaggeration and hesitation this was the worst year of my life. In 2015, I began a relationship with someone I loved very much but soon enough I was to learn that he was a clear example of a sociopath. I didn't see this until it was too late, I was in too deep and had invested a lot in this relationship in a short amount of time. When I met him he was the man of my dreams, the man that every woman out there talked about wishing they had and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. It took me awhile until I realized that words slowly became empty promises that are meant to be broken. He was so good with words that if our entire relationship was based on text messages and phone calls it would've been a fairy tale. This was no fairy tale. If someone you love or you are involved with a) hurts you constantly and shows you no remorse for it b) lies to you and sometimes go to great lengths to cover up their wrong doings c) manipulates you or the way you think about yourself d) seems to be enjoying that they have complete power over your emotions is emotional abuse. To simply put this, I just got unlucky. The person I loved gave me just enough to keep me dedicated to him but he never fully let me in and used it as an excuse to act like my feelings didn't matter. As hard as I tried to make his friends like me, for some reason they never did and I will never understand why. He would tell me that I was the problem and I believed him because he teared me down and I started losing confidence in myself. After some time has passed being with someone who constantly gave me false hope, tormenting me with mind games and lies, distancing himself from me for no reason, making me feel unwanted and useless, destroying my self-esteem, showing me nothing I did would ever be enough no matter how hard I tried or how patient I was. I started becoming suicidal. I had a past of having suicidal thoughts and the fact that this relationship has brought it out of me once more is terrifying. And of course a relationship wasn't the only reason I became suicidal but this played a big part of it. He mastered the art of whatever mistakes he made and turned it on me. When he's do things to hurt me, lying to me about sleeping with someone else, never having my back when his friends talked shit about me, or when he put his hands on me he's point out my flaws with my life or myself as the reason he did what he did. He would make me feel like it was MY fault for getting my feelings hurt. I am a forgiving person and I believed every one deserves a second chance, but I ended up giving one too many because I was determined to sorting things out with him. I loved him so much that the thought of the relationship being over was not in my vocabulary so I wanted to fix it. We'd usually have a great time together until he'd do something again. I couldn't figure out why he felt the need to or if he even realized but it turns out he just didn't care, but he cared to put up an act through his ego. He would get drunk and turn into the Devil himself, leaving me alone in the middle of Downtown, ignoring me to go to a PR party, go sleep over at his "friends" house, lying to me about not having a girl over, going on trips accompanied with girls when he claimed it was to only be a "boys trip"... I was dumbfounded. He lied to me so much over time that I didn't know what was the truth anymore and when he said "sorry" it only meant "I'll be good for a few weeks then I'm going to do what I want again." He took things too far. I quickly became an empty, terrified and mentally sick human being. He made me lose hope and all I felt was nothingness... but he said he wanted me...but then again, he didn't act like it..he asked what I wanted from him..I would tell him exactly what I wanted..he wouldn't do it. I've never felt so confused and lost in my life. I started to obsess over the idea of killing myself. I told him I needed him and his support and he promised me that he would be there and help me get through my struggles but in reality he was never there during my worst moments, when I would self-harm myself because the thought of everything I went through to salvage what was left in this relationship and in the end has just left me feeling a pain that I can not explain. He told me he loved me and I craved for the times he would say he loved me. Those words felt great to hear. Sadly, he had already emotionally distanced himself from me and was so distracted and invested in something else that he drifted even further away and he didn't even deny it this time. I still don't know what hurts more, being lie to or the fact that I wasn't even worth the effort of a lie at that point. Once he saw how destroyed I was by everything he had done he was no longer interested. I was no longer at his convenience. I had officially lost sight of who I was. He walked into my life - flipped it upside down - then left. Someone who said they cared about me, wanted me, loved me but definitely someone who almost pushed me to hurt myself. Someone who put a meaningful relationship in my head that I lived for but only to see now that it was just an illusion. I got played, lost in love and trusting someone so much where I put him first and had him abuse it. I've learned about limits and trust, being human and how no words in this world would ever amount to what a single action means and says. I've learned what it felt like to feel nothing, like I didn't deserve happiness, and that taking another breath would be a waste. I've learnt what it feels like to have everything in the world, always out of reach. Is this type of behaviour from a man normal now? When did it become normal for a guy to treat woman they "love" as a replaceable option? Unfortunately, many are getting away with it but it's time to put a stop to this. The only reason why I am still okay and slowly healing from the torment is being forever grateful that I have a strong group of friends around me who literally saved me from making wrong choices. If you are in a situation like this then let me be your first reminder, you deserve to be treated with respect, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be with someone who doesn't make you question your worth and make you ask yourself "why wasn't I good enough? What am I missing? Would it be better if I wasn't here?" It's better to be alone than with someone who abuses you mentally and physically. Life is a never ending lesson, with people who come into your life to test you, to love you, to hurt you, and to mold you into the person you are meant to become. Don't end it over some guy.

#Love #Relationships #Heartbreak #Experience #Life